sacrament & salt

Nothing and no one can tell me. I know. I am sure. I am incredible, indefinitely powerful, brilllant. I see my future with perfect precision, a heart full of trust. I stare in the cloudless sky. It is a bursting beautiful blue. A happiness on my head feels safe and true. Then there is one funny, little cloud. Hello, little cloud. From where did you come? I did not notice you until you were close. Very close. Right up above. When did you get there? Wait. There is many. they have come so quick, so furious. This confuses me. How so fast? Was I not paying atttention? Was my sight unsure?

A darkness descends, doubt engulfs. I hear only dark, cruel laughter. Are they laughing at me? Maybe they are right. Maybe I am too much, maybe I am too big, maybe I am not enough. I am stupid to have been so stupid. I feel a crack, I hear a clap, I feel the doom. It’s dropping me. I am no longer wanted. No. I am shrinking. My clothes fall away and I am cold, vulnerable. I am ugly. Hideous. Disgusting. I see every unwanted movement in my body’s curves and feel every gross, tired tendon. Why can’t I be better? Slightly more of this? Slightly less of that? I can be! Let me try! Please! I can be! I can be anything you wish. Except larger… because I am smaller, smaller, growing smaller still. This shrinking hurts, crunching my bones. The pain is unrelenting. It feels like moments, then days, weeks, …no, this is years. It goes forever. I am sure of it…Yet, I am sure of nothing. I do not know. I have never known. There is no time here. How could I know? I am alone. I feel infinitely alone, infintestinally small. I call out but my voice is so shallow, I cannot be sure I’ve said anything at all. I try again and there is no voice. Only laughter. Laughing at me and my stupidity and horrendous ugliness. Where am I? I can no longer see. There is no more light.

My thoughts are racing. I have done everything wrong. I am everything wrong. I am wrong. I am dirty, gross, selfish, mean. My insecurity is justified, my sanctimoniousness scrutinized. I question my every decision, my precocious self-delusion. How could I have been so sure? So foolish? So silly. So naive. I am overtaken, squashed, pulled under. Fear cannot describe this. This is beyond fear. This is terror. I am flying with no center, no anchor. I am shrucken, I am small. I matter not. I hold on as I feel this ride will never stop, gripping so tight my muscles ache, unrelenting in my grasp a ticket I never purchased, unable to release from my grasp. A ticket to nowhere on a ride that never ends.

I’m tiny and afraid, standing, using all my willpower to not fall into the abyss. A light befalls me. A fresh feeling of relief. A ray of reprieve befalls me. My dark dungeon opens. It was no dungeon. I could not hold a dungoen. I am a giant. I am huge, gargantuan. I am in a field. There is the familiar scent of wet grass. Isty-bitsy shards of tiny grass tickle my toes. I see a flower bloom at my feet. It is so precious, so important. The light is soft, but strong, it melts away my freezing fear. As the warmth rejuvinates me, I am comforted; a close hug of reassurance. I feel bright, there is joy. I can feel the freedom of wind riding my skin and my hair extending into the breeze. There is joy tingling all over. I am calm, I feel serenity. My fear is displaced, gone. A perfect knowing fills my heart and overflows into my veins, pulsing to every inch down and out to each phallangee. I have little memory of my previous fear, awareness, but it’s a different kind of knowing. It’s a forgetful-knowing that is also gratitude. A perfect knowing set in it’s own place in it’s own time. Only by knowing fear intimately can I be truly full of this wonder, this oneness of being. In one fast moment, a flash, the pendulum has swung. I feel peace. I am free. Nothing and no one can tell me. I know. I am sure.